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Apocalypse (Now, Or In Seven Days At Any Rate…)

By Wolfe Hearte

Intro:

Do you love me, do you love me; Do you love me, Do you love me… now, that I, got swoll? o.O (Yea that’s not how it goes and I know it) but damn if it’s not true here. Play the game for five seconds, or just don’t skip the intro and you’ll know what I mean. Normally I don’t rip on newer games, but I’ve got a few bones to pick with this one. Not all of them nearly as big as his to hold… Anyway *ahem” Let’s not split hairs, I’ve got too many to comb. On with the show folks, that’s what we’re all here for. Am I right?

Story:

Honestly this one does have an interesting premise. Post-Apocalyptic narratives can be intriguingly done. Even if they’ve been done to death. That’s what reincarnation’s for. You awaken in a compound with nary a clue what all happened. You’re about eighteen. You look like Bruce Banner’s worst day at the gym, and every girl according to the compound commander, wants a crack at your aforementioned bone. Never mind the bad dragon, this thing goes far beyond simply horse-cocked. Hyperbole can be a bitch of an exacting razor if over-extended. Then it goes out of parody, and far past any notion of satire.

You have no skills. Basically brute strength and a huge – like literal giant from D&D sized dick, and that’s about it. There are several factions you know jack all about. You’ve got just about every trope covered under the sun for girls to chase, but getting them into the Harem that you’re supposed to build is the only part of this game that isn’t played for laughs at the end. Seriously. It’s not fun.

That’s NOT much of a size exaggeration. Read the caption; That’s going to be you… A Lot. Good Luck

Story Extended: (Just Like His Cock)

Nope. Not letting that go either. There are maybe three to four games I can state I’ve seen on site with such BS physical proportions. The muscles I admit, are at times, sexy. The balloon tits, and Conan thighs on females, I could leave well the fuck out. Also, whose bright idea was it to make Ivanka trump into She-Hulk? Jesus. There doesn’t ever need to be a battle the MC can’t win. It’s a sex game; not dark souls.

On that point, bloody stars and stripes, fix your fucking economy. I do not care if x compound has a sniper and a motor bike chick who are both uber skilled shots – do not make them take half the cut in money earned when the MOST I’ve seen so far in the game per day is $20. OR, if you’re going to make ridiculously useless gains; make it so there are NO time limits. AT ALL. The aliens are the first thing I’d either completely remove, or I would rework them. There does not need to be an instant game over on a timer very few gamers will keep track of, and if you want to go for humor you could work the girl alien INTO the harem.

Make them a viable source of cash. You could do that too. Have them mine for diamonds, only they don’t care about diamonds. If you want the player to still have to work for the cash – each is worth $50 and you’d still have to sell them to gay merchant. Fixed problem.

Story Con’t:

There is an issue with some of the girls. In general, as you should be able to choose who you want to pursue from the very start. Go after that girl and build them up. You can’t, but the writing makes it seem like it should be easy enough. There is no means to build hearts with half the girls as yet. At least. The one who seems like she should have the most vested interest in you, and asserts a possessive claim off the bat as she found you, won’t even join your harem if there is another girl there. She’s on the list of non-pursuables just yet (I know, that’s not a word. Purr, sue me)

It’s a trap that means of the very few you can get into the harem; you will waste days if you jump in. As the aforementioned alien segment is not skippable. They require an uploaded sex scene every week. In order to gain sex, a girl must be in your harem. It’s a needlessly arbitrary time limit meant to impose a game over. Make that space completely skippable in the main story, and it would be there as a humorous aside. An easter egg as should’ve been intended. Else it’s just there to piss the audience off, and that’s not going to win you any points in getting people to pledge funds.

Story – Last Harp:

The commander, and a couple other girls are other than exaggerated proportions, genuinely attractive. In some respects. Be it personality, power or prowess assumed. If not shown. Thing is, the commander is married. She isn’t getting sex because of the joke about beta vs alpha males. Your ass is an alpha, so you get all the sex. Again, it needs to be easier to get to that point, and please… for the love of whatever god/alien overlord you bastards worship will you fuck off with the shower dream scenes. If any of us wanted to watch a wank in the shower, or in bed or what have you, we could go do that ourselves.

This is an example of said Shower Fantasy… So far I haven’t gotten any girl but Zara into the “Harem” which isn’t rightly called a Harem when it’s loneliest number is ONE.

The point in all of these games – ALL of these games is simple. Fantasy. Power or the relinquishing of it, not-withstanding. I know which it is for me, and I think by tone if not outright statement in several posts it should be clear to my audience as well. Lena, and EVERY other girl needs to be joinable to the MC’s harem. No lesbian BS, no cock-block stuff. If MC is an “alpha” you friggin’ treat him that way. This is the apocalypse and any smart person in general will prioritize the race’s survival over ANY variant of politics.

Fuck if we’re from different factions or not. It’s an interesting feature, but it should not negate my ability to pursue any of the females. Up to and including the ridiculous she-hulk daughter of the current toupee for president (I’m Canadian; I don’t have much of a horse in that race, I admit but if I did it’d be a dark one)

 

Mechanics:

There are some. One being a heart system for a girl’s lust. The game has a spread of about four stats for MC that can be improved. Strength is perhaps easiest. Close combat; ranged combat and mechanics. For the life of me no one ever explained where or how I raise that. Or what good it’ll do. I’d actually suggest it a better way to make more money in later builds, after they work the kinks out. You could even do it as a way to build those missing hearts with the blockaded girls. Or as means to differentiate between those who want to play the “smart” alpha, opposed to the berserker build.

The faction system as I’ve mentioned is interesting, but not very well fleshed out. There is no way to really know right now if siding with one locks you completely out of girls involved with one opposed. Which they all are, to some extent. Frankly one of the keys of any good Harem lead is making those opposed play nice, because he wants them to. Whether they’d kill each other directly without his constant intervention or not. Do that. It would work well, as with Ivanka’s still presumably heavy familial financial connections; MC could argue to Lena’s pragmatic sense of sustainability in pride that Deep State could “use” Ivanka for her money instead.

You could even play up Lena’s intelligence by suggesting she thinks he just wants to play with the muscled-up pop tart at night. Have that be means for him to gain a heart, or invest in full sex with Lena as well, and get her into the harem herself – by pointing out she sounds jealous as a tease. He’s eighteen. He doesn’t have to be a brick head.

Seriously, even Alexa is stacked. Why?!? No that’s not her name; it just might as well be for how snarky she gets, and how often she won’t help you do what you really want.

Mechanics Expounded Upon:

While we’re at it. There shouldn’t be any “trap” or “time-wasting” slots on the map. There’s a point in the story that could be handled better, let’s say that for diplomacy’s sake. You don’t have an option but “brute force” your way through. You get a three day time limit to learn a certain piece of information that really, if the map was more open right from the start, you shouldn’t need to go there to get. OR here’s the thing; it says right off in brackets (trick her) * She is blonde. Even if he is only eighteen, and a completely dense as poured concrete mother-fucker (eventually literally more than likely) it shouldn’t be assumed that she’s any smarter. Or more cunning.

She got caught as a spy, we don’t get an age for her, but she doesn’t have to be more than three years older than MC. Point being, even if it’s only to skirt Paetron – which I’m not sure about by the way – there should have been another option or two to get that same result. Let’s just say the scene is not going to be to everyone’s taste and leave it be at that.

Mechanics – Last Call:

As far as the actual content of the map slots, there’s about three lines, and it’s not real clear when any of them open up. Only two so far offer any real option for coin, but I’ve gone over that above. One is a pointless fetch 8-10 random-assed hidden items quest. A few are locked to factions. On the whole, if you ask me, the stats should be raised by 1 point every two times you visit the requisite girl, and every stat should have clearly sign-posted somewhere: visit x girl to get x stat. Stat gain, affection ups, and money are the main concerns of the game.

Does she look like a convert of a church all about free-love and sex? Or like she even REMOTELY wants that thing inside of her. Or that she thinks at all, it’ll fit? Plastic woman, to the rescue… dun dun dun d-Ahhh… oh god, why?!? o. O

So far the arbitrary game over time limit, and the general what the fuck do I do now/how the fuck do I do x? are the games problems. It would also help to make the bar for the MC’s stats and the page that shows girl bios more easily accessible. I don’t care if the block takes up even half a centimetre more of my screen at all times. One at the top side like it is, and one probably somewhere in the middle top. They should always be accessible. No matter what.

Lust should also be easier to gain with every girl, and I should never have to choose between raising a girl’s lust or gaining with a fucking faction. Do both. Especially if said girl has strong ties to that faction. Fix Bella. For god’s sake. There’s no point in a girl who knows the society is harem based refusing to join a harem with more than one god damned girl.

Seriously, other than the face, which girl looks more attractive to you? I’d even say the smaller one’s breasts are a little too big. Not completely wrong, just a hair away.

Conclusion:

All in all, if you’re less bothered by weirdness/over-blown humor and political mudslinging that comes off more as sour-grapes in this current year, go ahead and give the game a shot. It’s got a decent premise. Whether I think it sticks the execution or not. At the end of the day folks, you can love him or hate him. You can invite him to a very private, and long-winded flambe. You might just take down Trump to save the world; but everyone knows you’ll never kill that over grown rug he swears isn’t a toupee. This game can drive you wild, folks… but as yet, not always in a good way. Stay frosty if you can. As for yours truly, I’m gonna go jump in a lake. Maybe if it’s radioactive, I’ll come out ready for a little “Hulk Smash” myself ; )

 

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